Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Children's interpretation of the Bible

little girl
Elementary school children were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments on a test.  Incorrect spelling has been left as written.

1.  In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2.  Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

3.  Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.

4.  Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

5.  Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

6.  The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

7.  Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

8.  Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

9.  Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

10.  The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.  Afterwards, Moses went up to Mountcyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

11.  The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

12.  The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

13.  Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

14.  The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

15.  David was a Hebrew King who was skilled at playing the liar.  He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

16.  Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

17.  When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

18.  When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

19.  Jesus ws born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

20.  St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

21.  Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you.  He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

22.  It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

23.  The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

24.  The epistels were the wives of the apostles

25.  One of the Oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

26.  St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

27.  A Christian should have only one spouse.  This is called monotony.


Helen's Book Blog said...

I love things like this! I remember reading a book that Dick VanDyke put together in the '70s called "Kids say the funniest things" (or some such title) that made me laugh out loud

Julie @ Read Handed said...

Haha! Cute!

Beth said...

Hilarious, Bonnie! Number 4 reminds me of the first joke I ever learned---when I was four, I think. It was a riddle that asked, "Did all the animals come to Noah's ark in pairs?" Answer: "No, the worms came in apples."

At four, I thought that was the best joke ever. :-)

Bonnie Jacobs said...

Thanks, Beth. I got a chuckle out of that one.

Helen, you're too young to remember Art Linkletter, whose 1957 book was Children Say the Darndest Things. It was based on interviews with children on his TV show, way back before your time. Here's a clip showing some of the best responses from children: http://youtu.be/fCHIM-bGiTI. He also wrote Old Age is Not for Sissies, a 1990 book.