Weekend PUN-ishment

A friend sent me these "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad puns," as she labeled them.  Thanks, Gail.

• I never thought orthopedic shoes would really work for me, but I stand corrected.
• Once upon a time there was a king who was only twelve inches tall.  He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.
• A Mexican magician said he would disappear on the count of three.  He said, "Uno, dos..."  Poof, he disappeared without a "tres."
• I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs.  It's a step by step guide.
• My son was chewing on electric cords, so I had to ground him.  It's OK, though.  He's doing better and conducting himself properly.
• My friend claims that he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography.  I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.
• An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted, "Nobody move!"
• My neighbor got drunk yesterday and threw up in the elevator on his way home; it was disgusting on so many levels.
• Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?  For Hispanic attacks.
• I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic.  He said:  "Sure, knock yourself out!"
• I got into a fight today with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.  The odds were really against me.
• In Britain it's called a lift, but Americans call it an elevator.  I guess we were just raised differently.
• I've heard that 97% of people are stupid.  I'm glad I'm in the other 5%.
• The Lord said to John, "Come forth, and ye shall receive eternal life."  But John came fifth and got a toaster instead.
• And finally, I have two unwritten rules:  (1)____________________ (2)_____________________________________________________