Beginning ~ out of breath

A Reckoning ~ by May Sarton, 1978, fiction (Massachusetts)

Walking down Marlboro Street in Boston, Laura Spelman saw the low brick houses, the strong blue sky, the delicate shape of the leafless trees, even the dirty lumps of snow along the curb as so piercing in their beauty that she felt a little drunk.  She now knew that she was panting not because she was overweight, but because her lungs had been attacked.  "I shan't need to diet, after all."  The two blocks she had to walk from Jim Goodwin's office seemed long.  She stopped twice to catch her breath before she reached her little car.  Safely inside, she sat there for a few moments sorting out the jumble of feelings her interview with Dr. Goodwin had set whirling.  The overwhelming one was a strange excitement, as though she were more than usually alive, awake, and in command:  I am to have my own death.  I can play it my own way.

Summary of the story:  When Laura Spelman learns that she will not get well, she looks on this last illness as a journey during which she must reckon up her life, give up the nonessential, and concentrate on what she calls "the real connections." The heart of the story is Laura's realization that, for her, the real connections have been with women: her brilliant and devastating mother, a difficult daughter, and most of all a woman she knew when she was young.

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